Blame

I want to say My life and early experiences have shaped me into who I am..I do not blame my parents or others. I can say I wish people had stepped in and intervened more. I had some adults in my life intervene. My Grandparents on my Moms side took me from my parents for 3 or 4 months when I was in 7th or 8th grade. They did not give me back tell there where some hard rules for both my parents and I. My parents where really trying to do the best they could. Looking back there could have been some depression and Anger management issues going on. It was hard on me since I was a kid and cant get them help unless I tell whats going on which was scarey to a little kid wanting to protect her brothers. I do have wounds from these events but they have made me strong and the caring person I am today. Sometimes I wish things could have been different but I do not Hate my parents actually I love them very much. I am hurt by the things my Dad still does and says. But I have learned there are boundaries I need to hold so he cant just keep hurting me like he was..On the other hand I truly don't believe he knows or can see the pain he causes me. I do believe one day he will have the wake up call where he sees what he has done and I hope he doesn't hurt the way I have. I only wish love for him. My Mom a couple weeks before she died apologized for all the hitting and mean words.. This was a moment I will never forget because I could see she had realized the Pain she had caused. I told her it was ok and I knew she tried her Best, and I Loved her! I have been able to forgive her easier than my Dad..I do believe the apology helped. I don't want this Blog to be about blame. There are many choices I could have made and lots could have made for better outcomes..I want this to be a place to get out the stories and a Place of Healing.

Anxiety

So today I am going to tell you about Monday. I went to a funeral, I know that I have some trauma in this area... I will start off with in the last 11 years I have had 25 surgeries. 16 for kidney stones. I have been very sick, there where even some points a few years ago I wasn't certain I would have a chance to watch my boys grow up. I had anxiety attacks about this subject.  Would my husband take care of my kids how I deemed them worthy of. It seemed after my Mom Died my Dad was definitely more concerned about his girlfriends than my needs or wishes. Would my husband do the same to my kids? This fear overwhelmed me I don't want my kids to feel the rejection I have felt most of my life. I want to be in control of my kids so bad because i want to make sure they are not hurt like I have been. I feel this need to protect them from everything. To the point my husband gets very offended. I am trying so hard to let go of the reigns a bit. Maybe find a Healthy balance! Well I had no idea what was in store for me.. I have been feeling Really good the last 2 months so I figured I was in a Good Spot. I worked very hard for 2 and a half days baking for the desserts after the funeral. I got there set up the desserts. Went and took a seat with my husband. When the funeral started the family walked in after the casket and I knew at this point I was not going to handle this well at all. I couldn't help but feel so upset that that could be my family with me in there which is overwhelming and I feel that there where times I have come very close to that, I also remember vividly the PAIN of losing my MOM and couldn't help but feel my heart break for this family. My Mom and this family's Mom where much to young to leave and I was much older than these children. I started feeling sick and very cold like freezing with shock waves going through my body I walked quickly and exited the chapel. I felt week and light headed and had no clue in that moment what was going on. Turns out I am pretty sure I was having a Panic/Anxiety attack plus a kidney stone attack. It all hit in one moment. I had to calm myself down by talking my way through this to myself. I am ok...I am ok. Ive got this..You are stronger than you know Kirsten...I chanted in my head. I got home and laid down for a bit. Got up to severe pain started throwing up went to ER turns out I have a stone partially blocking my kidney so I have some hydronephrosis of the kidney (swelling). This turned out to be a gentle yet very real reminder to be Gentle to my self I am not healed. I am working on healing. It is ok to know your limits and yes sometimes we need to push limits..but give myself Grace if I am not ready for lots of people a funeral. I am still successfully pulling myself out of the Depression hole and I will have some off days, or even like Monday push myself way to far.  This does not make me a failure it makes me human. By the way I haven't had a panic attack in over 6 months till Monday. I refuse to think I am going backwards, I am still on the mend this was just a little Glitch.

Hope

I have found Faith Love and Hope have helped me so much in the last 2 years. after my surgery for the first 2 tumors on my ovaries. I woke up confused about what all these things the Dr's where telling me. Then finding Melanoma. I had to find My Faith in my God , Remember I have Love from my family and Friends and Hope for my future. I want more than anything to see my Grand kids and get to hold them and love them. I have found being Grateful for what I have in life is so important to my mental health..Even if I would give anything just for my Health I rank that as my NUMBER ! in life if you don't have your Health life gets hard. I write weekly things I am grateful for. At one time this was hard for me. Now I can right a huge list. I am grateful for my tree in the front yard some days when I was very ill, I would go sit out front and listen to the birds chirp. I am grateful for Rainbows there so pretty and full of wonder. I am grateful for the many bright blue skys we have in California... I could go on and on I am especially Grateful for my husband who is kind and patient and has stood by me through many surgeries and is kind to our kids. I have found just taking time for myself has been key to my recovery sometimes I go get my nails painted or take a walk when I feel stressed, I have 2 personal training sessions a week that make me feel strong and help me see I am moving forward. I can see changes like going from a 6 second plank to 1 min plank. This certain arm machine I could not add weight too. I have worked hard at this machine a year later I am at 10lbs on each arm, It has been a slow progress with this machine but I refuse to give up I was going to get 5 lbs know I am up to 10 lbs. Just seeing the progress makes me feel good like I am fighting back. I find when stress is getting the best of me I stop and take a walk, for some reason I think better when walking the stress leaves and I can finally figure out a solution. None of these things mentioned above came easy to me actually I hated exercise now I love it. My attitude of gratitude was not easy at first either..I was mad at my life and all the pain I have had to endure. Kidney stones hurt and passing thousands of them SUCKS. its hard to find JOY when your in pain, but I also knew how my life was going was not working for me so I had to change even though it was hard and scary.

My Childhood with my Dad

I am going to let you in on one of my biggest kept secret. I love my parents with all my heart, but it was hard growing up in my family. I am the oldest child of 3 two younger brothers we are all about a year and a half apart. My Dad was beaten as a child and it was passed on to us. As a child I worried about him hitting my Mom, although I had never seen him hit her. He beat me a lot. It was hard I knew in my heart I deserved every single one of these beatings, because I was a Bad little girl. One of my first experiences of disassociating is when he beat me for not listening I was really little not even in Kindergarten. I remembered the pain just disappeared and I wondered how that could be, he was still hitting me. This happened a lot in my childhood. One very vivid time was I was in first grade  and I was riding my bike. He told me to go in and take my bath and get ready for bed..I remember I was having so much fun I was just going to ride a bit longer.Next thing I knew he ripped me off my bike by my ponytail and was kicking me to our house. I kept thinking in my head Kirsten if you could just catch your feet on the ground you could run. but the pain was to much he kicked me all the way up the stairs to the bathroom. oh the pain and tears I took my bath jumped into bed I was done. The next day at school a dear friend asked why I was sitting funny. i showed her the big big bruise. It was bad. She told the teacher long story short The school called CPS, I was told when I got home and warned by my parents I would be taken away from my brothers, I would never see them again and my Dad would go to jail because I am a Bad Little Girl. Then my Grandma on my Dads side called to talk to me called little 6 year old me a BITCH and if I ever got her son thrown in Jail She would hate me for life. Also she made sure to say I would never see my brothers again. So From that time forward I VOWED to never tell anyone. I always wondered why God was so mean as a child why other kids parents loved them and mine Hated me. This has hurt me all my life more than i knew. In IOP one of the Therapist started digging at me past. I was holding on to those secrets of the past. I moved forward I didn't hit my kids my husband either..Why do we have to talk about this it is my past. He then told me I would not move forward if I kept ignoring the problems..It took a few days and I decided locking this is my past wasn't helping so lets try something new. The journey has been incredible. I can tell you the first time he said I didn't deserve to be beaten I could argue forever on this point I Did, did you not hear I did not get of my bike!! Other times I got beaten for hitting my Dad who was hitting my brothers. I deserved it again I was hitting MY DAD, but I now can think hard about my kids not listening to me and I don't hit or kick them. I also realize my parents where doing the best they knew. I forgive I cant forget! I choose to move forward not dwell but I have made a realization I am not the horrible little girl I thought I was, I just realized this recently. My Dad is still kind of Harsh and says some mean things, In my Journey I still Love him and will always Love him..He is my Dad, but i refuse to let him say mean things about my kids which has happened a few times. I have found my boundary with my Dad. I don't visit him. I call on holidays or important things like keeping him up to date on my surgeries. I try not to chit chat just give him info on me tell him the kids are doing good and hang up. My phone calls are short and sweet anyone who really knows me this has been hard. i call on holidays for a short sweet Merry Christmas. He will never be able to be the Father I would love to have and the Grandfather I wish for my kids, I have come to accept that. He can only give harsh criticism and make me feel unworthy. I have moved on and realized family is Given to us True Friends is where its at for us whose family is dysfunctional. I have found peace in Letting Go of trying to make him Love and approve of me.

Day After

After the Hospital visit, my first day home was what I was so excited for, but way harder than I had expected. At the hospital one of the Best (I don't know what there called) helpers on our floor had mentioned to me that I was disassociating...I had no idea what she was talking about. So she explained I was doing a little separating of mind and body. She said she had watched me a few times and I did it with ease and to think back as far as I could to when it first started happening.  She explained it to me as the body's mechanism to survive when you can handle no more. I thought she was Crazy. I did trust her so I started to really think later in the day about this I came to 2 memories under 5 where I was being beaten by my Dad that I just couldn't feel the pain anymore. I thought it was weird that I had such sharp pain then it disappeared and I felt like I was looking down at my body. I told Tami the next day and she said I knew this has been happening a long time for you. So back to my first day home I was alone with the kids and dissociating all morning I would get in the present time and a minute later be lost and looking at my body feeling absolutely CRAZY. A neighbor came by this morning to bring a book by that we had talked about a month before. I am not sure her side of the story, but I do know I was trying my hardest to be nice but get rid of her. I was feeling just to lost and confused to talk to anyone..Plus I had some scary for me incidents in the hospital and now looking back on it was stuck in a trauma response. (i am sure I will get to those stories soon). Well this friend Knew something was up and wasn't leaving. She saved my life that day..all I can say is I was so freaked out from the hospital I was sure I was losing my mind and wanted peace from Death more than Anything. I confided in her finally as she stayed with me I had just got out of the hospital The MENTAL kind she said I see you need to be grounded and taught me some yoga relaxation moves that helped ground me. The one i still use is the TREE where you stand strong and feel your feet on the Earth, This grounds you and helps you get in your body and present. I am so lucky my friend came by. Such a good friend she did not leave my side tell Scott got home from work. Then off to Cub Scouts Pack meeting one of my boys was getting his advancement and I didn't want to go..but couldn't miss it. I was very scared there where lots of people I was still finding it hard to stay present and not disassociate. This was hard cause I felt like everyone could see me losing my mind. Everyone could see I couldn't hold it together and could see I was CRAZY.  Well I don't know I came in a little late left at the end, I practically ran to my car. I did see my son advance when they called the mother up for the pin Scott went and received that for me. I survived. I knew this wasn't going to work long term. So while leaving the hospital they told us about IOP INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT PROGRAM. I called and started my 6 month adventure into healing. IOP is like a job you go at 8:30 to 3 Monday thru Friday. It was hard some days and a breeze others. You learn coping techniques, therapy, ways to reduce stress and anxiety. At first I just sat and listened to others stories. The staff had us write my most hated (affirmations) How am I suppose to BELIEVE I am Stronger than I believe, or I am a Survivor...Really I am hanging on to life by a thread. if this thread breaks I dont really know if I will survive. Well I will have you know I write affirmations all the time now I believe them and they don't feel fake or cheesy anymore. I learned lots of tools in these classes maybe someday I will post some of my tools I learned that helped me. One thing I have learned and why I am writing this is I am not the only one that has walked this road..By sharing I have heard others struggles. I can tell you I recently hit the Sweet spot more days than not look bright and sunny. It took a lot of Grey days to get to the Sunshine but its here I promise. My reason to write this is to show I am not ashamed of my Journey. I have found Healing in my Journey. Life is not easy..It is Hard..But just keep trying..It is worth it when you hit the Sunshine again.

Here Goes: A Story of Depression

First off I like Math more than English so if punctuation, grammar, miss spelling bug you I am sorry This is a place for me to write about my life..Please don't judge if you have a problem with these things this might not be a blog you want to read.  I am starting this blog as a space for me to write my story, my life, my thoughts about this journey. Two years ago I wanted to start this blog, but was afraid of the Judgement that comes with Depression..Lots of people have there opinions this is MINE and my Journey to find Happiness. It's been a Tough road for me. Lots of scary battles with illnesses, a ROUGH Childhood, a very Ill Mom. This is my Journey, My life. I have so much to say so I will start out with Two years ago at my very lowest point in life. I had been battling a long hard Journey with Kidney stones 16 surgeries for stones.. passing 36 stones a year that where large enough to cause pain..Meaning I am sure there where ones I did not catch. I then got very ill and soon found out I was needing a Hysterectomy due to large aggressive Malignant tumors. I was very scared and wasn't sure if I would get to see my kids grow up. When I woke up they had left a partial ovary and I had Borderline tumors. This was not what I had expected..What the heck is Borderline all I know is Cancerous or Not. I have the kind that can turn to cancer cause they have the start of cancerous cells?? Who knew there was such a thing.?? Well 4 weeks into recovery I was diagnosed with Melanoma on my left arm. This was another hard hit for me. I wondered where I had gone wrong? What did I do to deserve this luck? This begins my descent into full blown depression. I decided this life was just to painful, It was not worth the pain and I was not willing or ready to move on. I became consumed with the thought of ending my life. My husband called my Dr. and they decided a Mental hospital was in order. I went willingly because at this point I had nothing to lose. I made my husband promise he would not tell people, it was just to embarrassing. It was all at once the WORST/BEST decision I have ever made. 10 days in the hospital the Psychiatrist opinion : I don't need medicine I need to Talk...Yeah Right ..That's what I need just to talk?? This guy is as crazy as this Hospital and I just want out!! Turns out he was right. My favorite saying that reminds me of this time in my life is. Depression is not a sign of Weakness its a sign of being Strong for to long