My Childhood with my Dad

I am going to let you in on one of my biggest kept secret. I love my parents with all my heart, but it was hard growing up in my family. I am the oldest child of 3 two younger brothers we are all about a year and a half apart. My Dad was beaten as a child and it was passed on to us. As a child I worried about him hitting my Mom, although I had never seen him hit her. He beat me a lot. It was hard I knew in my heart I deserved every single one of these beatings, because I was a Bad little girl. One of my first experiences of disassociating is when he beat me for not listening I was really little not even in Kindergarten. I remembered the pain just disappeared and I wondered how that could be, he was still hitting me. This happened a lot in my childhood. One very vivid time was I was in first grade  and I was riding my bike. He told me to go in and take my bath and get ready for bed..I remember I was having so much fun I was just going to ride a bit longer.Next thing I knew he ripped me off my bike by my ponytail and was kicking me to our house. I kept thinking in my head Kirsten if you could just catch your feet on the ground you could run. but the pain was to much he kicked me all the way up the stairs to the bathroom. oh the pain and tears I took my bath jumped into bed I was done. The next day at school a dear friend asked why I was sitting funny. i showed her the big big bruise. It was bad. She told the teacher long story short The school called CPS, I was told when I got home and warned by my parents I would be taken away from my brothers, I would never see them again and my Dad would go to jail because I am a Bad Little Girl. Then my Grandma on my Dads side called to talk to me called little 6 year old me a BITCH and if I ever got her son thrown in Jail She would hate me for life. Also she made sure to say I would never see my brothers again. So From that time forward I VOWED to never tell anyone. I always wondered why God was so mean as a child why other kids parents loved them and mine Hated me. This has hurt me all my life more than i knew. In IOP one of the Therapist started digging at me past. I was holding on to those secrets of the past. I moved forward I didn't hit my kids my husband either..Why do we have to talk about this it is my past. He then told me I would not move forward if I kept ignoring the problems..It took a few days and I decided locking this is my past wasn't helping so lets try something new. The journey has been incredible. I can tell you the first time he said I didn't deserve to be beaten I could argue forever on this point I Did, did you not hear I did not get of my bike!! Other times I got beaten for hitting my Dad who was hitting my brothers. I deserved it again I was hitting MY DAD, but I now can think hard about my kids not listening to me and I don't hit or kick them. I also realize my parents where doing the best they knew. I forgive I cant forget! I choose to move forward not dwell but I have made a realization I am not the horrible little girl I thought I was, I just realized this recently. My Dad is still kind of Harsh and says some mean things, In my Journey I still Love him and will always Love him..He is my Dad, but i refuse to let him say mean things about my kids which has happened a few times. I have found my boundary with my Dad. I don't visit him. I call on holidays or important things like keeping him up to date on my surgeries. I try not to chit chat just give him info on me tell him the kids are doing good and hang up. My phone calls are short and sweet anyone who really knows me this has been hard. i call on holidays for a short sweet Merry Christmas. He will never be able to be the Father I would love to have and the Grandfather I wish for my kids, I have come to accept that. He can only give harsh criticism and make me feel unworthy. I have moved on and realized family is Given to us True Friends is where its at for us whose family is dysfunctional. I have found peace in Letting Go of trying to make him Love and approve of me.