Day After

After the Hospital visit, my first day home was what I was so excited for, but way harder than I had expected. At the hospital one of the Best (I don't know what there called) helpers on our floor had mentioned to me that I was disassociating...I had no idea what she was talking about. So she explained I was doing a little separating of mind and body. She said she had watched me a few times and I did it with ease and to think back as far as I could to when it first started happening.  She explained it to me as the body's mechanism to survive when you can handle no more. I thought she was Crazy. I did trust her so I started to really think later in the day about this I came to 2 memories under 5 where I was being beaten by my Dad that I just couldn't feel the pain anymore. I thought it was weird that I had such sharp pain then it disappeared and I felt like I was looking down at my body. I told Tami the next day and she said I knew this has been happening a long time for you. So back to my first day home I was alone with the kids and dissociating all morning I would get in the present time and a minute later be lost and looking at my body feeling absolutely CRAZY. A neighbor came by this morning to bring a book by that we had talked about a month before. I am not sure her side of the story, but I do know I was trying my hardest to be nice but get rid of her. I was feeling just to lost and confused to talk to anyone..Plus I had some scary for me incidents in the hospital and now looking back on it was stuck in a trauma response. (i am sure I will get to those stories soon). Well this friend Knew something was up and wasn't leaving. She saved my life that day..all I can say is I was so freaked out from the hospital I was sure I was losing my mind and wanted peace from Death more than Anything. I confided in her finally as she stayed with me I had just got out of the hospital The MENTAL kind she said I see you need to be grounded and taught me some yoga relaxation moves that helped ground me. The one i still use is the TREE where you stand strong and feel your feet on the Earth, This grounds you and helps you get in your body and present. I am so lucky my friend came by. Such a good friend she did not leave my side tell Scott got home from work. Then off to Cub Scouts Pack meeting one of my boys was getting his advancement and I didn't want to go..but couldn't miss it. I was very scared there where lots of people I was still finding it hard to stay present and not disassociate. This was hard cause I felt like everyone could see me losing my mind. Everyone could see I couldn't hold it together and could see I was CRAZY.  Well I don't know I came in a little late left at the end, I practically ran to my car. I did see my son advance when they called the mother up for the pin Scott went and received that for me. I survived. I knew this wasn't going to work long term. So while leaving the hospital they told us about IOP INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT PROGRAM. I called and started my 6 month adventure into healing. IOP is like a job you go at 8:30 to 3 Monday thru Friday. It was hard some days and a breeze others. You learn coping techniques, therapy, ways to reduce stress and anxiety. At first I just sat and listened to others stories. The staff had us write my most hated (affirmations) How am I suppose to BELIEVE I am Stronger than I believe, or I am a Survivor...Really I am hanging on to life by a thread. if this thread breaks I dont really know if I will survive. Well I will have you know I write affirmations all the time now I believe them and they don't feel fake or cheesy anymore. I learned lots of tools in these classes maybe someday I will post some of my tools I learned that helped me. One thing I have learned and why I am writing this is I am not the only one that has walked this road..By sharing I have heard others struggles. I can tell you I recently hit the Sweet spot more days than not look bright and sunny. It took a lot of Grey days to get to the Sunshine but its here I promise. My reason to write this is to show I am not ashamed of my Journey. I have found Healing in my Journey. Life is not easy..It is Hard..But just keep trying..It is worth it when you hit the Sunshine again.