Anxiety

So today I am going to tell you about Monday. I went to a funeral, I know that I have some trauma in this area... I will start off with in the last 11 years I have had 25 surgeries. 16 for kidney stones. I have been very sick, there where even some points a few years ago I wasn't certain I would have a chance to watch my boys grow up. I had anxiety attacks about this subject.  Would my husband take care of my kids how I deemed them worthy of. It seemed after my Mom Died my Dad was definitely more concerned about his girlfriends than my needs or wishes. Would my husband do the same to my kids? This fear overwhelmed me I don't want my kids to feel the rejection I have felt most of my life. I want to be in control of my kids so bad because i want to make sure they are not hurt like I have been. I feel this need to protect them from everything. To the point my husband gets very offended. I am trying so hard to let go of the reigns a bit. Maybe find a Healthy balance! Well I had no idea what was in store for me.. I have been feeling Really good the last 2 months so I figured I was in a Good Spot. I worked very hard for 2 and a half days baking for the desserts after the funeral. I got there set up the desserts. Went and took a seat with my husband. When the funeral started the family walked in after the casket and I knew at this point I was not going to handle this well at all. I couldn't help but feel so upset that that could be my family with me in there which is overwhelming and I feel that there where times I have come very close to that, I also remember vividly the PAIN of losing my MOM and couldn't help but feel my heart break for this family. My Mom and this family's Mom where much to young to leave and I was much older than these children. I started feeling sick and very cold like freezing with shock waves going through my body I walked quickly and exited the chapel. I felt week and light headed and had no clue in that moment what was going on. Turns out I am pretty sure I was having a Panic/Anxiety attack plus a kidney stone attack. It all hit in one moment. I had to calm myself down by talking my way through this to myself. I am ok...I am ok. Ive got this..You are stronger than you know Kirsten...I chanted in my head. I got home and laid down for a bit. Got up to severe pain started throwing up went to ER turns out I have a stone partially blocking my kidney so I have some hydronephrosis of the kidney (swelling). This turned out to be a gentle yet very real reminder to be Gentle to my self I am not healed. I am working on healing. It is ok to know your limits and yes sometimes we need to push limits..but give myself Grace if I am not ready for lots of people a funeral. I am still successfully pulling myself out of the Depression hole and I will have some off days, or even like Monday push myself way to far.  This does not make me a failure it makes me human. By the way I haven't had a panic attack in over 6 months till Monday. I refuse to think I am going backwards, I am still on the mend this was just a little Glitch.